There are no problems, only solutions ????

I know it has been a while I did not write and still today I do not know what to write. I want to write about positive things and happiness but my mind is not into that right now.

Today I feel really stressed. Why like that? Is that because the lack of happiness or maybe because I am always too worried about many things? Is it because I don’t see the end of money problems or I don’t see the happiness I am looking for and which I think I deserve. It is too many questions in mind and no response.

I always use to say: “There are no problems, but only solutions”. I used to really believe in this but today, I am not so sure anymore. Where are the solutions? I do not see them coming anymore? Where is the luck I used to have? Is it definitely gone?

Sometimes I think there is only one solution: disappear. But this has two meaning. Either running away far from everything or just dying. I know both do not seems to be a solution because it not facing the reality anymore. I don’t know why but life is very complicated and disappearing is even more (whatever meaning on disappear).

A cheater will always be a cheater

A cheater will always be a cheater. What do you think about it?              

Yesterday my wife spent the whole day at home putting hair extensions with the help of friends. When I came home after a long day at work, they were still busy coloring her hair and iron them. Sometime I am just glad to have short hair as I am not sure how patient I would be if I had to do the same. Anyway, as I am not allowed to be in the same room as her friends, I decided to change and spend some times in the living room while playing with a camera as I am not allowed to use any computer (and/or certainly not any internet connection as she would directly think I am cheating). So I was just there and waiting for eating dinner and was starting to be hungry.

All of a sudden she came and asked me to drive her to the salon as she needed to cut her hair extensions as it was too long (I am not so sure if I understand well the meaning of adding extension if you still need to cut them).  Anyway, without any complaints, I got ready and drove her to the salon and drop her friends somewhere where they could commute to go home. As expected, it took quiet some times in the salon as she also had to get her nail polish replaced. Again, I am not complaining at all and would be happy to do this all time when I know there is really love.

Once it was done in the salon, we decided to go home. In the car on the radio was some kind of debate about cheaters: “a cheater is always a cheater!”. Of course, my wife directly put the volume up and started to make reflections which were all pointing to me. As you can see in my previous post, I am a cheater.

I am a cheater because back in Middle East when things were not going well at all with my wife, I did the “stupid” thing of chatting and starting having feelings with someone else from another country and which I sent flowers once for her birthday. But still today I am a cheater because I am still trying to go online and make friends. No I haven’t developed any feelings for anybody anymore and am not even chatting with someone in particular. It is so hard to find people who you can talk too on internet without having people trying to take advantages.

But there are two questions here: 1) What is the definition of a cheater? 2) Why am I “cheating” like that all the time?

Let me try to reply these two questions:

1)      What is the definition of a cheater?

In western and other cultures, couples usually expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery. However, there are other divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone may be equally damaging to one of the parties. Not only physical infidelity is considered cheating. Cheating on your partner could also include something like chatting online with somebody. Online infidelity is also a way to cheat on a significant other. Emotional cheating may be a form of emotional abuse, which to date is treated seriously in a court of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of understanding of other cultures, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties’ opinions, and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of this definition. Cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of their significant other. Such examples would include: expressing attraction to another person, talking, electronic communications, texting, data, cybering, and sexual contact.

2) Why am I “cheating” like that all the time?

This question is very difficult to answer without being judged by other. But let me give it a try. First of all I totally agree that I do not have any rights to hurt others’ feelings such as my wife and I certainly must not do it for revenge of whatever she could have done to me. So why? I did not know I could hurt her feelings as I could not feel any coming from her and I did not do it to find anybody else more because I need to talk, to have friends and to discuss what a real life could be. I certainly do not do it for Love because I lost all my hopes that it really exist. I do not believe in Love anymore. So because there are laws punishing Cheaters, it means that my only remaining rights would be to live a life of stress and sadness and wait for my time to pass away without knowing what happiness could bring.

So per definition above I am a cheater and will I always be one?

Sharing Personal Experience

What is love? Have you ever thought you have married the wrong person?

Here is my experience:

Back few years ago and after having lots of love deceptions, I decided to go online (sorry to say but prefer to be honest – cybersex websites) and I met someone from another country (I would prefer not to mention any names or any countries here. Hope you don’t mind.). I was hoping for real love and was not looking for anything else. Today I completely regret and feel stupid to think that real love could existed. You will see why below.

After few days of chatting together, I helped her to get her own computer and made her stopping working on cybersex websites. And I decided to shoulder her life and also the life of her half-brothers. Yes, she was living with 2 of them (it was her story at that time. You will see why it was a story later too). After few weeks, I came to visit her in her country. This was my first time there. I really enjoyed my time there. Everything was great and I was happy.

After my trip, I did all the necessary for her to join me in my country for at least three months even if we had so many difficulties to get her a visa. During her stay in my country, I started to know her better and also discovered more about her. While I was at work, she was just going around and doing shopping. Which I agreed and was certainly not complaining about it and I must admit that she was already so spoiled (with me) and I made the very big mistake to always say “yes” to everything. She also started to slowly argue with me but I was just ignoring as most was due to cultural differences between us.

The problem is that while she was doing shopping she also used to let other men to flirt with her and, one day, a guy called on the cellphone/mobile phone I lent her during her stay. Unfortunately for him, I was the one who answered and she was pretending she did not even know who the guy was. This happened only because he was (and is probably still) rich and was buying things in a very expenses shop (such as Louis Vuitton). So she was soooo attracted and interested. I should have understood all and maybe let her go when this happened. But I was so stupid and I forgave her and did not say anything at all. I was maybe thinking that she wasn’t sure with me yet as it was only after 6 months being together. Or maybe that is what you call Love.

As I was shouldering everything for her and the two half-brothers and as I had to call her sooo much after she went back her country, I was slowly starting to have difficulties with expenses. Of course, her expenses/shopping were a lot more important than anything else. I even had to buy her a second hand car for her to be able to go anywhere she wanted and make sure that one of her half-brother could take some driving lessons. I was also paying for his brother’s tuition fees for school (even if he was old enough to work and which I still have doubts, even today, that he was really going school at that time. I will probably never know).

Knowing that it was (and it is still) so difficult to get her a visa to stay in my country, I decided to leave it and go work in Middle East where it would be easier to travel back and forth to my and her country and also easier for her to join me there for longer than 3 months. Before leaving my country, I even had to borrow money to be able to pay remaining expenses. At least in Middle East I would earn a lot more compare to my country and was thinking that my money difficulties would finally go away and also that our relationship would get a lot better. As she wasn’t joining me there directly, I was still shouldering everything for her in her country and even had to make her move to a bigger house. When we love, we do not count !!

After 3 months being in Middle East, I visited her again in her country and I enjoyed my time. We went to different places and with her family too and with the real sister this time and of course the 2 half-brothers.

Everything was as usual with her where sometimes we were arguing for nothing and also her managing completely my life. I was in Middle East and she was in her country but I could not do anything except work and be home online with her and reporting permanently everything I was doing or everywhere I was going. I could not even have any friends, I could not watch TV, ….

I started to be different than the one I have used to be (a nice and very social person with many friends and a happy life). I lost of these and started to really become different and anti-social. Even lunch with colleagues was not allowed.

She finally permanently joined me there and I was able to get her a job so she could stay with me and hopefully our relation would get better and better as we would not be in long distance relationship anymore. I was completely wrong. But I noticed it later. I was so good and was really trying hard to get things working between us. I even got her real sister to come and was trying to look for a job for her. I also get her half-brother to come and visit us.

I started to notice how much time she was spending over the phone or online with her half-brother after he went back home and I was very suspicious on their real relation. I discovered some text messages which you do not exchange when you are “family” but more when you are husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriends (such as “I love you and you are the only one”). So I asked her sister who was still with us who the half-brother is really and her response was: “I don’t know”. I was feeling really lost and very stupid as it was already 2 years we were together. I really did not know who I was and what to do. Arguments were getting more frequent and her sister decided to leave us as she did not want to stay longer because she could not cope with the moodiness and ambiance in the condo unit (we were living in a condo). So one day, I finally decided to ask her about her half-brother and told her that I know he is more than a brother. She explained me the whole story of her being kicked out by the family when she was young and she was just in street taking drugs and doing nothing. The guy (supposed to be half-brother) took care of her and is nothing else then the boyfriend for many years. I never got anything to say against him as I was like a brother with him. He is a good person and does not take advantages of nothing (I think). Again, at that point of time, I have been very stupid because I accepted the situation. I accepted him like he is. It is not as easy as it seems to be everyday but we cope with it.

Other things that also happened there was the fact that she was flirting again with other guys. Things were getting really bad between us and she was not enjoying anymore and wanted to go back to home. Which I must admit I also wanted and was even thinking of separating when she would go back. But I made a big mistake. Because of all of these and all the stress and sadness, I also started to chat online with someone else and was having a lot of feelings for that person (which did not know I was with someone and which I regret today that I was not honest with her. I know I hurt her feelings too and could never be sorry to her. I will blog the story later). I wanted to get her and be with her once my partner would go back to her country. It nearly worked. But she discovered all as my chat mate was trying to call me ones when she was just next to me. That was my mistake. So we did have big argument but she still did not want to leave me (of course I was doing all for her and still do not think she loves me for who I am (or maybe used to be as I am not the same I was) but more for money). So I unfortunately had to separate with my chat mate over the phone (was such a bad time and if only I could explain my chat mate why but I could not) in front of her and promise to do all for her again. So my partner keep on saying that I cheated on her (but she never checks the fact that she did it many times to me. I know it is not a reason to do it too).

After that, she left and went back to her country and again we were in long distance relation. I started to visit her again in her country and she really wanted to marry with me to prove her “love” to me. For God sake, why did I have to say “yes” again? Why am I so stupid? So we got married there.

With her earnings from Middle East and a big financial help from me, she opened two small businesses and had to move to another bigger house. Because of her permanent spending I started again for being short in paying loans, expenses in both Middle East and her country and I reached the time that I was out of money. So I also had to leave and did it with leaving all my debts there (a lot of money to be honest) and I came in her country hoping to find a job. But I could not get a job directly due to world financial crisis and time was really getting hard. She was earning just a little from the businesses and I was not earning anything at all. First time in my life I was really without any job. Because it was starting not to be manageable, I even had to contact old friends and old colleagues back in my country and try to borrow money. Again first time I had to beg for money. My family could not even do anything and help. So I decided that I would temporary go back my country and get a job in one of my previous company. I was hoping to get her back with me too and finally start another new beginning. But when we applied for a spouse visa, they declined it for many reasons (which I might explain in another blog). So I stayed back in my country for 1 year with one trip to her country to see her and another trip to visit another country nearby for fun as she really cried for it. Again I was shouldering everything and got into debts. But I was still looking for jobs in her country which I finally got. So I left my country again and arrive for goods here in 2011.

I have a very nice and interesting job here and I earn “a lot” but not enough to cover all her spending. We move to a big house but the problem is still the same. Getting difficulties with expenses and having 3 of our credit cards full because she does not want to stop spending. She thinks we are rich and money just comes like that. We are still arguing every day and she still manages my life. I still can’t have friends, can’t go out alone even for grocery, can’t eat lunch with colleagues, can’t go to any company party, … We nearly do not talk to each other as she is always so moody and keep on stressing everybody around her. Her “boyfriend” is still leaving with us and I still shoulder everything.

This is the full story with passing some details as it might be too long to write and/or to read. I am here now in her country but I am permanently stressed and sad. I do not have any friends, I do not have any rights, I do not even talk much at home and I only need to buy and make all her dreams come true. I now have debts in 4 countries including mine and it is in my mind all the time. I still owe money to people, friends, family.

I just feel so down and just want to run away from all of these where nobody could find me. I think of it all time but I do not have the strength anymore. Sometime I even think darker and think there are no solutions but again I have no strength to do anything. I am just a bit lost but know that deep inside, the real me, the real good person I used to be is still there.

I am sure you certainly find me very stupid but things are sometimes not easy to do and I know that you are thinking I should have left her a long time ago but there is no divorce in this country and I love being here. I do not have anywhere else to go anymore. Cannot go back my country either…